Written: 15th Nov, 2020. 2:45 pm. Sunday. A day after Diwali 2020. Photos from Diwali day when I was blissfully unaware of life growing inside me.
My periods were late. A whole 2 weeks late. Those hard-earned periods that started 18 months after Aiza's birth (thanks to breastfeeding!). Ok I’ll take a pregnancy test in the morning with that lone expired pregnancy strip that I have from early 2018. I took the test first thing in the morning. Woah! a very quick and conclusive positive. Can I trust this expired test strip? A missed period and a very conclusive positive on an expired strip. Hmmm that still counts as 2 positive signs.
I went blank. Aiza kept asking mum why is it taking you so long to pee? Toddlers really stand on your shoulders for every business. I certainly couldn't tell her because she’s going to announce it to the world that very second. No filter on this kid.
Sunny slept very late the previous night so I didn’t want to wake him up. 1.5 hours wait to tell him was excruciating. His reaction, I captured on video. It was a blank stare.
Wondering what’s up with our odd reactions? Financials. Finances were our first thought. Both of us. We’ve lived through some tight & tough financial times before. We’ve lived on one income for a year too (Maternity leave with Aiza). It was very hard and the thought of being back to penny-pinching and constant financial stress dampened any happiness we’d have from this unexpected news.
I had been confused about the second baby for the past one year. The universe was giving us both the signs- left, right and centre. No kidding. Everywhere I saw there were mums with 2 kids, juggling the boat. We had just found our feet and I was just getting on to smashing my financial goals for the year 2020. Hence I’m a little shocked and anxious about this positive pregnancy test.
I also know I am where I’m supposed to be. I trust the universe and its workings. This is the path for me. I accept it. I am happy. I'm at a good age, there will be a good age gap between both the kids and we had been pondering about it anyway. And honestly, it was left to us, we would never find a perfect window of opportunity to get pregnant. It would have taken me years to get myself into that comfortable financial position I crave. I'm aiming quite high. I do believe I will achieve my lofty goals but this event will slow down the momentum and delay my plans by 2-3 years (or more!). Which isn’t a very long time when I look at life as a whole but is still a considerable lag if you ask me.
It’s been a few hours now and the news is still kinda sinking in. I’ve not 100% believed it yet. I found it hard to breathe inside the house so we went to a strawberry farm to grab some ice cream with Aiza. I needed this oudoor time to process (in-laws at home). We both did.
We don’t plan to tell anyone, like last time. However, I am fully aware that second pregnancy is very hard to hide. The workplace will know soon. It’s summers here so the wardrobe choices will be minimal too. I shall still keep shush for as long as I can.
Both I and sunny had been getting signals from the universe. Both our work managers insisting us that now is the time if we’d like to take the plunge with a second kid. Universe knew.
I am slowly accepting this new reality. I don’t plan to tell Aiza for a good while because she will tell the world. Not until the tummy is significantly bigger at least. Omg even writing about the growing body is giving me anxiety. All the feels again. Except this time I know what to expect. I expect the delivery pains, the newborn crying, the chaos, the sleeplessness. It was hard 2 years ago because we didn’t have a clue. It will be hard in July/August 2021 because we have Aiza. Two is a handful.
20/11/2020 12:38 pm - The test at GP's clinic came back positive yesterday. It’s actually happening! My expired test strip was correct. It feels unreal. It doesn’t feel like anything is in there yet..at 7 weeks and 4 days. If it wasn’t for this queasy feeling every morning, I wouldn’t feel a thing. No actually, the boobs are sore too (breastfeeding Aiza ouch!). And so is my body. I hit my knee on my car seat belt click thingy (don’t ask how!) and literally cried in front of Aiza. It hurt so bad. I’m usually very brave when it comes to bumping around into random objects, so this was surprising to me too. Clearly sore and sensitive.
My appetite is constantly cycling between queasy and extremely hungry. I overeat, I feel queasy. I don’t eat for an hour and a half, I feel queasy. It’s borderline morning sickness too but I’m still not accepting it. I didn’t feel any of this uneasiness with my first pregnancy. The classic case of 'every pregnancy is different'. The doctor made a passing comment about my weight too. Hmmm..you are underweight. Make sure you eat more and gain weight so the baby’s growth won’t be retarded. Ahhh ok sweet! Pregnancy + breastfeeding Aiza = constant hunger. Bring me all the food people. I'm the people.
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