Dear Daughter....(Nov 19, 2018)

19 November 2018


Dear Daughter,

It's been 2 months since you've come to the earth side. 2 months that feel like such a blur. What felt like the most challenging newborn days 2 months ago, I now remember as the most beautiful. I do not remember the sleeplessness, the confusion, the hormonal anxiety, the pain, the clueless-ness, the fear, the uncertainty. I now remember it as a blissful time that I would live a million times over if I could, including those painful times.

As I see you lying on the bed between me and your dad, a little more to his side, in the nook of his arm, I see wonder. How long will I be in denial? Why do you still feel like a dream? I'm still in awe that my body created something so perfect. I cannot believe you've come out of me. The nearly 2 days of labor, the drug-free birth, the waterbirth expectations gone wayward, the last minute dash to hospital. I remember it all like it happened to someone else and not me. How & why? Is the sleeplessness of those days to blame? The moments that we waited for 9 months (and more!), our life-changing moments, were so fleeting. Blink and they were gone! I'm glad that even when crouched in pain, I looked up to ask people to take pictures for us, pictures when in labor, when about to push and when you were put on me the minute you were out. Those 126 minutes of skin-to-skin! I do not remember how it felt. I do actually. It was numbing. I felt no emotion. It was too much to take in and I felt nothing. Your father did shed some tears. For me, you were out after a long draining process and maybe I was too dazed from 2 nights of no sleep to feel a thing. I felt relief. But the second we put the tiny you in the car seat to go back home from hospital, the reality sank in. 5 hours earlier, on our way here, we were 2 and then we came out as 3. You were so tiny, so precious, so fragile. I was scared to hold you, but who else would, I was THE MOTHER. It was my responsibility to feed you, calm you, hold you, make you sleep. A responsibility that felt so overwhelming at the time. It was a completely new life in a matter of seconds.

Now when I look back, I am so proud of myself & your dad. We both have learned so much about you, ourselves and our strengths and weaknesses in the last 2 months. We have soldiered on as a team. We have formed a routine. We have split our tasks. I nurture you, he takes on the home front. He takes care of me. I am so proud of us for doing it all alone. For trusting no one but our instincts, the whole of pregnancy, birth and the days after (not even Dr. Google). We did the impossible and I am so proud. We did not do it to prove to anyone but we did it for us, for us as soulmates. We were a little selfish, we wanted to experience everything ourselves and not share a moment of you with anyone. For two weeks after your birth, we waddled through pain, dizziness and your cries. Our days and nights blurred. We both lived each moment of you for two weeks. We are so glad we made the decision to labor and birth alone! If blessed again, I wouldn't change a thing next time. When your grandparents arrived and asked for you to be passed on to them, my heart broke a little. We were on to sharing you now. I didn't want to. That night your dad confessed "I didn't want to give her to them either". We didn't want to. I'm not sure what it was but we both shared that emotion and I would never forget that little heartache when we started sharing you with the world. We just wanted you to be ours, forever.

Dear Daughter, as you grow (and Girl! you are growing fast) we both stare at you everyday. We wake up in the middle of night and just stare at our wonder. We try and capture your moments in our forever memory-less phones. We capture the moment but we cannot capture the feelings. There are too many! As you graduate from your new born clothes and nappies (today!), I am heartbroken. It has gone by so quick. I would do anything to live your new born days again. That fear of outside world in you, the cuddles, the sleeps on me overnight, our shared breastfeeding struggles, the confusion, your incessant crying. I want to live it all again. But I must remember, what I have today is fleeting as well. The magic is in everyday and not just the days gone by. I must now live in present, soak in every moment. Motherhood is the most beautiful feeling yet most heartbreaking. We will feel a tinge of pain every-time you go through your cloth and nappy size milestones.

You look me in the eyes like no one ever has (not even your dad in last 14 years!). I wish I had a way to capture that gaze in a photo. Alas...
Your eyes look into my soul. They look at me like to them no one else matters and I am the world. It is a big responsibility & hence everyday me and your dad strive to be better versions of ourselves. We want to lead by example, not words but actions. We want you to grow in a house full of love and positivism. We want you to see your parents as relationship goals (they really are!). We want you to settle for nothing but the best. For you, we must learn to lead by example. For you we must live by love, kindness & humbleness. For this is what we want you to become, a kind, loving and humble human. As you talk to me everyday (& girl you can talk! look at your 7 weeks videos for proof), I can't help but wonder what is it that you say to me. You converse through your expressions, your smile, your cooh's & aah's. You already say a lot without knowing a single word of language. I keep wondering how an 8 week old human baby can be so expressive. I reply 'I love you too' coz I think you say 'I love you mum!'

From never having held a baby to nurturing one, I am amazed by my motherly instincts. How do I tend to know what you need at the exact time. More importantly how do you know its mum's embrace when you calm right down after crying for forever when someone else holds you. I think I have decoded why women go on to have more children. Its the feeling of being wanted, being needed 24/7 by a little human, being loved unconditionally by a child who knows and wants no one but the mother.

Dear Daughter, as you cross your 2 month milestone, we want you to know that we love you so much and this love is growing by each passing day. We wish we had you sooner. There was nothing to fear about. Yes! our life has changed but we feel like that the things and experiences we traded off weren't as beautiful as your smile.

Dear daughter, we hope to raise you into a fine human being and we want you to believe you can do anything in life. We truly believe in it too! We will always be at your side, cheering you on, nurturing you and telling you that 'You are Enough' & you are beautiful in your imperfections. We want you to respect your vulnerabilities and embrace all the flaws. We want you to grow into an empathetic human. We are ready for this uphill task (I question myself as I write this!). Are we ready for more such milestones?  yes! my heart says. We are ready for our hearts to be broken a million times but also for those heartwarming moments that are to come. We can't wait to live this life with you. You are our beautiful daughter and I know you are real despite it still feeling like I am living in a dream.

We love you Aiza
Mum & Dad xo


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